Its funny that when things in life couldnt be any better, we always tend to want more. I cant say thats exactly my case but its very close. Everything in my life is perfect but I feel like somethings missing. Nothing is missing though, Im just not satisfied with myself. I feel like everything I do, I can do better, and that Im not living rightously enough, or contributing to the Lord enough. I have a total will, a complete desire to to good and follow the commandments its just a tricky situation.
The other day my mother told me that I was like my father in that I have a countless number of friends but not a close best friend. She was right. And now I find that when Im lonely i wish I had a best friend to talk to. I have found comfort in only a few people, and I beleive this is the result of trust issues I have created for myself. Sister Waite, a sister in my ward, has been the inspriration to me this year. I try to live as though she was beside me. This is a struggle but it makes me think about and strive to live more rightously.
WIth Christmas just around the corner I think I am going to try lifting others spriits and bring peace to others in hope it will bring peace to my own hectic mind. So for now, although I continue to be miserable, I will be miserable at best.
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
First to Fall & Last to Know
Leona Lewis couldnt have put it any simpler when she sings "dont care about all the pain in front of me, Im just trying to be happy". That verse is exactly how Ive been feeling lately.This new school year has been amazing so far, and I can actually say that I am happy. All the new friends i have made are the best. I think the reason i appreciate these new people in my life is because they dont have any idea about how dark my past was. They all think Im a bright ball of sunshine and its a releif. But I will tell you that Im scared for the enivitble let down. Life will never be perfect and our Father in Heaven sent us hear to learn from our trials, so there will always be some pain. Right now though Im living life to the fullest and I couldnt ask for more.
Remember that gaping hole? Well its closing quickly but something always seems to tug it back open. Some days its just a memory that will flutter into my head and send me in to a flury of sadness.More recently it has been my little sister, Olivia. Im going to say it like it is, she's the daughter every parent dreams of having. She is gorgeous, nice, funny, caring, sociable, talented, and just an overall perfect little girl. Its very hard to be the older sister to that. She and I dont get along very well and my guess is that Im jealous. And, lets face it, who wants to be around someone who is constantly making you put yourself down? I sure dont. Im the oldest and its rough, you have to experience everything first and you dont have anyone to guide you or follow after. I make a lot of mistakes and she taunts me constantly.It doesnt make me feel any better about what I did, and some nights tears stream down my face as result of the pain of knowing I let my family down. All my younger siblings are so very lucky to be able to watch me and see what I do wrong or right and learn. I have to brave, venture out, take the first punch to the gut. Its scary, it makes me nervous,I try hard everyday and somedays it pays off. Im trying my best and I know thats all that matters.
Remember that gaping hole? Well its closing quickly but something always seems to tug it back open. Some days its just a memory that will flutter into my head and send me in to a flury of sadness.More recently it has been my little sister, Olivia. Im going to say it like it is, she's the daughter every parent dreams of having. She is gorgeous, nice, funny, caring, sociable, talented, and just an overall perfect little girl. Its very hard to be the older sister to that. She and I dont get along very well and my guess is that Im jealous. And, lets face it, who wants to be around someone who is constantly making you put yourself down? I sure dont. Im the oldest and its rough, you have to experience everything first and you dont have anyone to guide you or follow after. I make a lot of mistakes and she taunts me constantly.It doesnt make me feel any better about what I did, and some nights tears stream down my face as result of the pain of knowing I let my family down. All my younger siblings are so very lucky to be able to watch me and see what I do wrong or right and learn. I have to brave, venture out, take the first punch to the gut. Its scary, it makes me nervous,I try hard everyday and somedays it pays off. Im trying my best and I know thats all that matters.