Pulling Through

What a week I have gone through!! A week like this is one that typically can only be seen in tragic movies. This week TWO sophomores( I am a sophomore!) have died. One, Shane McNeil died from dehydration when he was hiking alone in the desert and the second, Claudia Nyamuswa killed herself.

Shane was a new boy at our school, he was just gaining popularity.. His death shocked the student body. Claudia was our friend since we were young and never showed signs of depression or suicidal thoughts.. her death tore everyone apart but brought closer as friends. Both of these deaths taught me lessons. Shane taught me that life is to short to be afraid and to make wrong choices for any day could be your last. Claudia's death taught me the importance of respect and kindness to others, the importance of letting everyone know that you can trusted with their thoughts and care. I wish I could have saved a life.

Then as if these trajedies were'nt enough Cassidy Manning completely dislocated her knee in dance on friday. During the moment when the paramedics arrived and took her away, tears flew, I sobbed until I could fill a river with my tears. It was heartbraking to see so many friends hurting and dying all around me. It was emotional overwhelming.

I am thankful though, for the Church. Because of this I know that shane and claudia are in a better place. They're back Home with our Father in Heaven. They are in His loving arms. When I think of them I hope I will think of that rather than the harsh death they both suffered. Although their mission on earth is over their lesson will live on in my heart for eternity. Because of their short lives, I amg going to live mine with love and open heart, and in struggles I will keep pulling through.

Unbelievable

In life I think we are often surprised to find ourselves faced with certain struggles or even be suspicious when our life is amazing as if we are always waiting for our one "big" trial in life. I am feeling those things lately. Especially as the people around me and people I love are experiencing their own "big" life trial I keep waiting for mine to hit.

Today I learned that a little ten yr. old boy who just lost his mother to cancer walked in on his father dead. His father already had many complications. At first I felt doubt as though it wasn't real and then came anger and confusion.I still am in the anger and confusion stage, I just can't believe that our Father in heaven would do something like that to a little boy. I want to believe that it's fir his own good and that he will become stronger but that is just so hard. This also makes me appreciate the fact that I have two parents who are healthy and safe and love me more than anything. I just. Find myself wanting to be perfect so that I can be strong when my big trial comes. With problems like that little boys I have no reason to ever do anything wrong or complain. I guess everything in my life I am questioning right now. And the fact that I am doubting and confused seems so unbelievable.

Long Talks

Every once in a while I get this feeling, this knawing and craving feeling to have a long talk with someone I love. The talk can be about anything, I just want to be able to laugh and smile and ache and cry in one huge conversation. I think this is because my love language is words of affirmation so I feel the need for someone to hold me and tell me how much they love me and that they think I'm beautiful. The only thing is there are very few people I actually and care to affirm me. Don't get me wrong, I love compliments and positive uplifts but when it comes my fragile little heart I favor certain people. In fact everytime I feel lonely and in a need of a good chat it's a different person my heart needs to connect to.

That is one thing I do love about us as humans. The ability we have to connect so strongly to another person. It's such a comfort to know that when I am feeling down the people who I share my heart with feel for me and are able to lift me up. I often think of a story I heard about a man with a perfect heart.
He was bragging about how he had the most beautiful heart ever. When an old man just looked at him and statesd that he himself had the perfect heart because it was cut and stitched and had huge craters yet all those scars were bits and peices of all the people whom he's ever served and loved hearts. He explains how where a new peice is stiched in is where someone gave him a peice of their heart in trade for his. The craters are where he gave away his heart but was the gesture was not returned. The young man had tears in his eyes as he reached in and gave a price of his heart to the old man and vice versa. They walked away arm in arm.

I love that story because I often am selfish and need to share my heart with others. I also think it shows the true meaning of how we feel when we are loved, as though somones heart is in our own. Sorry I drifted off topic but it was what I wanted to discuss in my long chat. I guess talking to myself helps too (:

Dance Camp/ Girls Camp

This summer I have been doing plenty of travelling and dancing. Here are a few pictures from just two camps I went to, perhaps the ones I had the most fun at.


Me and a few of my dear freinds, ciara halliday, becca holmes, morgan lamoreaux, and isabelle thayer.

I finally made it up the hill on a hurt knee!

Almost there....

Newbie initiation !

Random.

The four new girls (:
As you can see I have had a wonderful,activity filled summer. Only three weeks left and theyre going to be filled with practice. (:

Heaven or Hell?

Sometimes I feel like I deserve to go to hell. I'll say something or do something that makes me so miserable I feel the only way for me to be punished is to go to hell. I know everyone makes mistakes but some mistakes are harder to quit or even own up to. If you had told me half the things this year has brought I would have been thrilled and so excited to begin embarking these new adventures, but if you had told me the other half, the rotten, sin-seeking half, I would have ran away. I've found myself wishing that I could give up things I love just to be able to save myself from the mistakes and guilty pain that comes from those sins.

I dont understand either how I can be surrounded in a sea of good people and be completely lured in by the power to do good yet I turn around and plunge head first into a complete and utter mess of a life.

In the picture below I feel as though I am living in the middle of these two worlds, when my better half decides to be good I follow but when the devil holds my hand I find myself not wanting to let go.



The lure of both is so strong and I truly do want to make it to Heaven but unless I am sent an angel in disguise I'll continue to camp on the border. For I cant do this alone. Help me..

Thoughts and Impulses

Have you ever thought that the things you think are the thoughts that make you think about thoughts about thinking?

Don't worry, I don't get it either. In fact I just made it up as I wrote it! But it got your brain flowing didn't it? That's all I need. Recently I have been reading a book about the teenage brain. This book talks about all sorts of ways our brain can make us teenagers do things that adults wouldn't normally do on impulse. For instance, yelling at our parents or even getting annoyed with a friend. When I first started reading the book I was expecting it to talk about all the things wrong with my brain but as I got farther into it I realize it's starting to defend teens, give us a method to all our madness. Back to the impulse thing, I know fir a fact that half the way I act in life is in impulse. When I have conversations I am always on radar with myself to be sure I don't slip a rude or insulting comment. Just as in conversation I think watching our thoughts is just as important. My friend Kaylee always tell me that if you say and think your ugly then you may as well be. How true! And what a great example that is to my point; THOUGHTS CONTROL ACTIONS!

Whenever I think about something it typically cones true. If I say I'm going to get an A I do but it works the opposite way too. If I think that I will have a bad day at practice, I most likely do. As a teeneger Ive found that I act a lot less than I react, meaning I go off on impulse rather than thinking about and coming to a solution. Impulses I have been having lately are good ones. I have been trying to be a better version of me. Perhaps this is because I want to improve myself for God, perhaps I am improving myself for a crush, I'd perhaps I simply just want self contentment. To me, all three of those things are my main reasons to watch my thoughts and not react on impulse.

Happy Mothers Day

Happy Mothers Day everyone! Today Is mothers day. I want to record my feelings about my amazing mother and all she she does for me. I can't thank her enough for all that she does. All moms make sacrifices, especially my momma, she works so very hard so that I can have nice things. She only wants what's best for me and all though we don't always get along she has an unconditional love for me. I often think, What did I do to deserve such a good mom? And today I discovered the answer; I did nothing to deserve her. Today I found that I have an amazing mother as a gift from God. I Iearned that my mom is here to set an example for me and that it can be taken away. To me a mother is someone whom we love no matter what and some one who we want to make proud. A gift I want to give my momma this mothers day is not that of a material item, it's going to be me, living a kind Christ like life. I am going to make my mom feel good about herself knowing that all she has taught me has not gone to waste.

I love my Mom sooooooo much. It can be a struggle to show that love but I know she loves me right back and feels my love for her. The sacrifices my mother have made for me are ones I hope I can pay her back with giving to my future kids. We also celebrate this day for all the things are mothers teach us. If it weren't for these lessons I learn from my mommy I would not know how to act and prepare to be a mom someday. I try to be good and set a example for my kids watching me from Heaven. So THANK YOU MOMMA for every single thing you do for me! I wish everyday that I will someday be as amazing as you are. I love you mommy. Forever and Always

Thats When I Look to You

(This post is dedicated to my inspiration, Jesus Christ and my Heavenly Father)
Lets get right to the point, despite the way I may come off to people, I am not as self-sonfident as people think. OK, I dont think that was the point but its what I want to begin with; I often find myself doubting my abilitys or my physical appearence or even my faith. I give my everything to all that I attempt but it doesnt always go as planned. Sometimes I have to lose.

My faith tends to shake but it never breaks. I am constantly telling myself to never give up. Reminders like "People starving in African countries dont complain" or the ever popular "you can do this!" are some phrases that keep me going. I like to find inspiration, I LOVE the idea of helping and service and putting others before myself. Its the least I could do.

Whenever I find my self doubting or heading into trouble I pray. I LOOK TO GOD. I know He is always there for me and when I make a mistake I know the way to regain the trust and Spirit is to give service for "...when ye are in the service of your fellow men ye are only in the service of your God.."

I try to look to those people who are good examples to me, to the people who love me, to the ones who inspire me. Whether they are friends, family, a celebrity. or even a stranger, I want to be a better me. But I cant do it alone, I need the help of my Savior and my God. That is why when I feel like giving up or spiraling down I look at You and I find all the reasons to keep going.

Childs Play.

(I need to get this blogging thing down, as in keeping up with it!!)
Last night I babysat for s sister in my ward. It was one of those jobs where you always learn something new that is one of the greatest life lessons ever. I learned the serious importance of being kind to everyone, especially family.

Well let me tell you some background info first. The family consisted of four girls (one of whom became an angel at a very young age) and the youngest, one beautiful baby boy. The girls were the only ones awake when I arrived and we played in the front yard for the majority of the time. We were playing and running around with the wagon up and down the driveway. It was a complete blast, the girls all got along and laughed. This was my first epiphany of the great knowledge, these little girls got along the whole time, they never fought or said one mean thing. I tried to remember a time when I allowed myself to be as sweet and humble as a child, it was hard.

] The second realization came when one of the girls, the oldest, got a splinter in the palm of her hand. She was in a lot of pain from it and her little sisters were there to comfort her the second we began pulling it out. It was a little thing but they cared sooo much that she was okay. I wanted even more to have child-like perfection.

The biggest and most heart touching moment all night was when it came time to go to bed. They all piled in to the same room but this is were the arguing began. The oldest and the youngest were fighting so the oldest left to go to a different room. I let her have her time to cool down while I put the middle and youngest asleep. Then I went to visit Sabrina. She was curled into a little ball and was singing a primary song. Our conversation brought me to tears but it was one of the strongest moments ive ever had. It went as follows:

Me: "Sabrina, Are you okay dear?"

Sabrina: "Lauren is just being SO dumb. She never learns to be nice!"

Me: "Well shes only three years old, she doesnt know any better. She loves you though, so if you nicely tell her to stop singing so you can sleep she will most likely stop"

Sabrina: "She will never stop! She always does this!"

Me: " I promise you that if you be the good example she will follow you. I know its the hardest thing ever to be the oldest sister but think of how amazing you are at it. Sabrina you make me so proud everytime I come over, you want to keep that up dont you?"

Sabrina: "yes..." *shyly looks away because lauren walks in to change her shirt*
"lauren I am sorry I called you dumb." *They hugged and I tucked them both back in

This little convo made me humble myself enough to realize that I should be taking my own advice. It IS very hard to be the oldest, but I know theres a reason I was born first, its because He knew I can handle this.

The final thing I said to them was " Sweet dreams my angel sisters." They looked at me with the most precious faces and said "Camille is our angel and She will give us the good dreams." they smiled and instantly fell asleep. I just stood there in the dark tearing up at the fact that these young beautys could be so bonded over one of there sisters, I decided I should carry there angelic peace with me from now on. Their simple childs play spoke to my heart in ways bigger than any adult ever could. And I am so grateful.

Updates from Headquarters!

Its been a crazy couple of weeks and I am sorry I havent posted. I have had soooo much to do with dance, student council, and just regular old school work. BUT I caouldnt ask for more. I have been busy, busy, busy and I love it. It keeps me focused on those things I should be focused on and less distracted by the awful things in life. Well since my last post a lot has occurred. I ran for sophomore class vice president and won! I made it into a summer intensive camp with the Kwak Ballet Studio, and Next week is tryout week for dance team at school, varsity here I come... hope fully (:

Now emotionaly Id say I am doing sooo much better than ever before. I think I need to work on keeping my thoughts inside my head and not being pushy with people but other than that I feel great! Well the updates today arent too exciting but in all this March Madness (go Rebels!!) I am glad I dont have much to stress about.

Self-Evaluation Day

Today is Self-Evaluation Day. On the 25th of every month I have a self evaluation where I dont talk to people and I contemplate my life. At the end of the day I fill out a self-eval form and set goals for what I need to improve myself on for the next month. I also try to write down things that I have improved on and things I am proud of, I mean, everyone needs some time to focus one themselves right?

This months focus is on being like "girl #3". Girl 3 is the type of daughter/friend/sister everyone should want to be. She is nice, fun, develops her talents, gets good grades, and is a perfect role model. She always thinks good thoughts and does not linger with boys in any way that would provoke sexual contact. In other words shes more friends with boys than flirting with them. I want to be like that. Girl 3 also is an exceptional student and puts all her effort into everything she does. She is talented, intelligent, outgoing, outrageously kind, and strives for perfection.

As another part of self-eval day I try to clear away all the stressors and reorganize my brain. I "threw away" all the bad thoughts, all the pointless,unfocused thoughts and all the distracting thoughts. March is going to be stressful so I need to focus on school and dance, and let nothing blindside me.

(This weekend my family is going to Disneyland and so Ill post pictures of the family event (:! )

Smitten with the Spirit, Overwhelmed with Emotion

Caterpillar in the tree
How you wonder who you'll be
Cant go far but you can always Dream
Wish you may and wish you might
Dont you worry, hold on tight
I promise you there will come a day
Butterfly Fly away

I wish I could describe how I feel right now. I am sitting on my floor with my laptop on my lap. Tears are streaming from my face, the song A Beautiful World by Tim Myers is on repeat and all I can think about is how grateful I am, how lucky I am, just everything good about life. For weeks Ive been trying my hardest to get the spirit into my life again, and today I just recieved that spirit firsthand.

I just want to tell everyone I know how much I love them. I just want to be nice to everyone, I want to fix all my mistakes and never make anymore. Im trapped in a Heavenly bubble that I never want to leave. This is the most undescribable feeling. In church today we were told to be nice to our family just as captain moroni was to his people. Now Im going to take that challenge ten steps further and be extra loving to everyone. I've had a great change of heart, I know my Heavenly Father wants me to be happy and right now thats exactly how I feel.

( a video of the song im listening to)

I love my life and I love everyone in it. Wow, you may be thinking I am crazy but right now I am overwhelmed with emotion. I cant explain everything that Im feeling but I wish I could capture this and put it into a bottle for later. My future seems bright and my present is wonderful. Uplifted and full of joy, I am going to be a better person, a young woman of excellence, an obedient daughter, a loving sister, a worthy child of God, and most importantly, the best me I can be.

The Crew Behind This Brown-Eyed Babe

I figured since this blog is for me to record my life, Im going to do a post about all my the people who help make me into who I want to be.Its going to be completely honest and exactly how I feel about them. I want to look back and be able to know I was surrounded by great people even in a world so full of evil.

Jonathan Walker is probably the best friend I have. He is always there for me, and even when we get in fights we always make up. Our friendship is one of those unexpected bonds, he is a quiet, sarcastic, smooth-flowing kind of guy and I am a loud, outspoken girl who is constantly saying the wrong things. We are complete opposites yet somehow our friendship works.

Kaylee Rayne Knowlton. My friendship with kaylee has only been since summer of 09 but its been a wild ride ever since. We of course ,like all friends do, have gotten into the occasional fight and we have a problem of being jealous of one another.Our friendship is not perfect, its the farthest thing from it but she always knows what to say to me and how to handle my craziness. Kaylee and I put aside our differences and at the end of the day, are friends forever.

Demi White. I just met Demi this past year and were still getting to know eacother but let me tell you, she is an amazing girl. She is the as close to perfect example of Christ-like features. She is nice to everyone, funny, smart, outgoing. I always remind myself to be more like her and her kind-heartedness. But I cant help wondering if shes as perfect as she seems. Does that make me a bad person?

Holly Neilson. Holly always makes me feel so great. When I feel like giving up she is there to pick up the pieces and make sure I stay motivated. She is extremely nice and I am so glad we are friends.

Tyler Morris. I also only met this boy this year but he has definately proven to be a great friend. Its always nice to be able to start fresh and with him thats exactly what Ive been doing. Were just friends and hes very easy to talk to, I can tell him anything and he has advice for everything in return. He also brings smile to my face everyday and thats something I will always be grateful for.

Annemarie Pace. She is the dork to my nerdiness. Were always either laughing outragously or in a deep conversation. She is such fun to have around and keeps me in check when I need it most. I can count on her to lighten my day with the great Spirit she carries with her.

Kylie and David Winward. These two are a huge part of my life. They influence me to be my best and be a good example by being the example themselves. I can always count on Kylie for anything and David and I have shared tons of smiles and giggles. I really hope these two stay in my life for long time.

I am soooo grateful for all these people and more. They all have a huge role in making me who I will someday be. So to all those mantioned and to those who remain unnamed, I love you. (:

Rain.

Its been a rainy couple of days in the beautiful town of Henderson, Nevada. I LOVE it. Rain puts me in such a clear mood, the feeling of a clean earth. Especially because prior to this storm I have been indulging in my guilty pleasures, turning cold against the gospel, and being "puffed up" in my heart.

But with rain comes a sense of cleansing, like the primary song says, "I like to look for rainbows whenever there is rain. And ponder of the beauty of an earth made clean again..." I love this verse but best part of the song is, when it says,
"I want my life to be as clean as earth right after rain"
The rain is the perfect expression of who I am and how I feel. I love the outpour, the way it freely flows just as my thoughts flow freely from my lips. It also has a sense that can create an atmosphere of sadness, but thats ok too, because I am not going to lie, happiness isnt present in my life at the moment. The heavy fog, the clouds,and the rain, it all seems to be a perfect reminder that someone out there understands me. Its the perfect reminder that I need to be a good girl, dodging all the bullets life shoots at me. The clean feeling after rain is like the clean feeling after I was baptized. The spirit of goodwill so strong it hurt pressing on me like a ton of bricks. The way harsh rain skids against my face in the wind, when it feels so strong but yet feels so good.
I love the rain. I love the way it feels when trickling against my face. I love the sense of assurance it brings to my heart. I love that when it rains and the clouds are around I can feel a peice of the heaven Im reaching for. I love knowing that I am loved and the rain encloses that love around me.

Bad Words

Tonight at young womens we played team bonding games. The first game we played was a pyschological game and it was extremely fun and we all learned a lot about eachother and ourselves. It was fun to hear about the other girls and really get to be inside their head.

After all these exciting games happened and we said the closing prayer it was time for the Mia Maids presidency meeting, which I am first counsler of. We addressed usual business and activitys then we discussed who in our class needed love and who was doing what and basically planned ways to include everyone in our class outside of mutual. We talked about all the girls then we talked about ourselves. It was interesting to have personal young woman-to-young woman time, we really dug deep.

Our president Alexa brought up how her mother and her had gotten into a fight before she arrived and how angry she was because her mother had called her a "bad word". Our advisors then gave us advice on how to handle ourselves when we feel like we have no friends or when we get into terrible fights with our family members, especially when its the other people saying the "bad words" to you. They said that we just need to take time to cool down and then confront them about it. They told us that when someone says mean and awfully hurtful things to or about you we have to tell ourselves that its just because they see a fault in us that reminds them of a fault in themselves and that nobodys perfect so we have to show our love towards them even if they arent so good at returning it.

This advice couldnt have come at better time in my life. I feel lonely all the time and I hear all these "bad words" that people say about me and try to be brave through it all. My geography teacher from 8th grade told me this once and it really stuck: "When it feels like the whole world is out to get you, remember someone loves you." At the time, im assuming she meant herself, but now that quote has an all new meaning to me. It means that as long as I tough it out now then my future husband here on earth and the children waiting in Heaven to be born loves me and wants me to stick to values and standards whether people say bad words about me or not. So now matter how many bad words are said about me I will conitnue on my straight path towards the Celestial kingdom and ultimate happiness.

I love Sundays.

I love sundays. They are always so relaxing and spiritual. Today we had a fireside on the new theme for 2010. Its Joshua 1:9, " Have not I commanded thee? Be strong and of a good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed: for the Lord thy God is with thee withersoever thou goest." I absolutely think that this a great theme for 2010. I know that I feel lonely sometimes, afraid that because I dont have many close friends, it means that people dont like me but now I know that thats not true. I always have my Heavenly Father with me, and I will find people that love me for exactly who I am someday.

I do have a plethora of friends but none that are super accepting and close to me. Im enjoying high school though, all the football and basketball games are highly fun and I love being on dance team and in Student Council. Its all great. I like going to school but I like going to church the most. it helps prepare me for my future more than anything else.

Almost to the End of the Road.

Tonight we received the news from my gramma that my bapooh(my grandfather on my mothers side) is not doing so well and we dont know how much longer he will be here with us. He's been in the hospital since sunday and its not getting any better.

The worst part of this is watching my mommee break down after every word. She was the only girl in her family and so she and her dad had a strong, loving relationship. I love my bapooh and I cant help crying as well. Its going to be a tough week. I do not like seeing my mommee crying, it makes this loss all the much harder to bear.
Its very,very hard to suffer a loss, especially because I was close with my bapooh. Although I am sad I know the truth and I know that he will be returning to his castle in the sky with Heavenly Father. And in a year I hope to baptize him into the true church of God, the church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. He is a nonmember, but I know my Father in heaven loves him just as much.

My thoughts are scattered and my words are not so clear, but I feel a spirit that is bringing me closer to Heavenly Father and teaching me the value of life. Ive learned alot in the past year about love and life, I've seen and felt the pain from many different views. But I KNOW there is no other place I'd rather be right now than on this earth with my family and friends who LOVE me.

Follow the Leader.

I am sorry I havent written in awhile. The holidays kept me very busy.In this post I will try to cover those few weeks of emotions missed. I had dance practice and Student council events, then Christmas came around and my cousins Elizabeth and Anthony came down to visit for a week. It was a great couple of weeks though, the whole time we laughed and did the most fun activities available in Vegas.For New Years we went to a church dance and saw some movies. It was a great distraction from the struggles of life for all.

Althought the holidays are over now and I must focus on my busy life again, I still feel the spirit and the will to do good. In fact that is my New Year resolution: to be nice to everyone and be a good example of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. Its one of those things where if you do one the other comes naturally. Plus a lot of other great things come from following the example of the Savior. This past couple of days especially I have felt the Holy Ghost around me all day. I love the feeling and I know I will be continuing this trend of reading my scriptures and having lengthier prayers at night. (On Sunday the spirit was so strong I had a few tears during my prayer!) I also owe some of this to the people in my life. I have great friends and leaders. The Winward and the Waite familys are great inspiration to me to do my very best and keep in good cheer. The Winwards always display such kind ways towards everyone and I am striving to act in their example. They are a great reminder of how I wish to be. The Waites. This family has been through thick and thin and still continues to amaze me. When I step into the room with one of them the spirit I feel is indescribable. The little peice of heaven each of them carries is what makes my faith grow stronger.

With all these reminders you would think I would have no trouble being kind and worthy. Well its just as hard, but with the help I improve more and more everyday. I am loving life more than ever because of the good people, good spirit, and great love from everyone around me. So, thanks you very much to every person in my life for helping mold me into the person I am today. Happy New Year. (: